Alison Sarah Pym - Thérapeute Relationnelle

What is fidelity?

Fidelity in a couple is being sexually exclusive. With this sentence, what do we do with “couples” or even “polyamorous” people ?
Yes, but these cases are rare, so it doesn’t count?
I don’t agree.
Rare cases count. And “traditional” couples are not all the same and cannot be treated in the same way.

So what is fidelity? Some words come to mind. Respect, communication, exclusivity, love. And many other beautiful things.

Do we owe these beautiful things only to the person we are in a relationship with?
Don’t you respect your mother, your friends, your boss, your clients?
Don’t you love your family or your environment?
Do you not communicate with others?
Yes, yes, but it’s not the same.
I agree.
This being said, there is no exclusivity.

So careful, with these words I am not advocating loving several people, just as I am not condemning this.

I’m just saying that these are complex notions.

Let’s take Thing1 and Thing2. In an exclusive relationship for some time. No children. Thing1 and Thing2 have friends of whom the other is perfectly aware.
For example, Thing1 regularly sees Mary to go dancing, which Thingy2 does not like doing at all. And Thing2 shares a passion with Hugo, an activity that Thing1.

This does not shock you. Perhaps you even attribute a definite gender to our two protagonists. But let’s imagine that these two people actually have the same gender, or that these genders are the opposite of what we can imagine, or even that they don’t have one!

It makes no difference. Thing1 and Thing2 willingly accept that the other shares an activity with others.
As long as it’s not sex …
Most readers will agree.

So fidelity is only about sex? No common interests? No emotions…?
I hope not. And neither do you.

Let’s admit that being in love is a unique type of love. It is possible to love several people (your mother, father, friend and lover) in several different ways. So be it. But what does being in love bring about? Common interests …? Oh no, we just saw that this is not always the case.
So I’ll tell you: they are common values.
That’s fine.

I love a person who has the same values but not the same interests. And if that person has the same interests that’s a bonus.

Let’s imagine that Thing1 talks to Marie very often. After a while Thing2 realises that Mary knows about a whole world of things he didn’t know about… At first it’s normal, but after five years… It’s not a big deal because Marie has always been there? Ok then, let’s say that Thing1 talks about all this with Franck, a new colleague from work.
That stings a bit more, doesn’t it?
So in the end there is also a privileged emotional side to respect, would you agree?

If there is emotional sharing without sexuality, is it cheating? When? Why? How?

Also, isn’t there a difference between “fucking” and “making love”?

There are as many different answers as there are people on this planet.

And I think that sex without feelings is very often less good. Love sex is reserved for the person you love.

Is a one-night stand without any interest being, unfaithful? Why is that?

I don’t have the answers.
I’m sorry to say that it depends on the person.
A couple starting at 20 years of age does not have the same limits as a couple of people who are 50 years old.
The limit for one is surely different than for the other.
To find your way around I invite you to think about what you are and would be comfortable with. And ask your partner what he/she thinks about it. Build your own definition of fidelity for two. And accept the fact that humans are not perfect and are constantly changing, so allow yourself to do so and continue to talk about it, and above all, explore, together.

PS: if it is imperative to respect the limits of the person you love, it will only work if the person you love respects yours. And especially if you respect your own limits.

And don’t forget! Relationship rough patches are normal ! Hold on, communicate.

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